Whether your new baby is going to be your first or fifth, taking that baby back home from hospital requires a lot of preparation. It is far better to have the essentials ready to make for a smooth return home with your new arrival. The last thing you will want to do in those first few days after the baby arrives is to run around buying any little necessities that you forgot. You will undoubtedly feel much more at easy, and able to concentrate on the baby, if you have everything prepared well in advance.
If you can get everything you need for the layette, whether bought new or second hand, or even borrowed, then you can feel relaxed about being able to deal with the initial practicalities of taking the baby home.
While it is nice to have everything brand new for your baby, it is worth thinking long and hard about whether that is at all necessary, or even desirable. One thing is certain, babies get to be very expensive, and they grow into even more expensive children and teenagers later on. Unless you are financially super secure long into the future, you may appreciate in the long run saving as much as you can in the early days.
Baby clothes especially are very expensive new, when you consider their tiny size. Whatever item you buy, your baby will soon out grow it, so new does not necessarily mean good value. Quite the opposite, in fact.
Remember, you are buying things for your baby, and your baby cares not one iota if the clothes you adorn them with are new, second hand or fourth hand. The baby will grow quickly, and the clothes may get soiled quickly if you are unlicky. All the baby needs is your love and care, plus comfort for sleeping and resting. It is all about security and love in the early stages. Your baby is not a fashion model.
Of course, you want the baby to look nice in what they wear, and they will pretty soon become conscious of their clothes. But if you are buying on a budget, there are plenty of low cost sources for all baby's needs. And they can look just as cute in second hand clothes as something brand new.
In practice, most people will go for a mix of new, quality seconds, and second hand clothes for their baby. You will, for sure, know the prices of the new clothes in the local stores. If you buy some second hand, the savings will soon mount up. To give yourself an incentive, why not set aside those savings into a bank account for the baby? You'll appreciate that later on, and so will the baby when they see the little nest egg growing as they get older.
Here are a few tips about buying for your baby layette:
Shopping For Your Layette In Quality Seconds Stores
As with adult clothing, baby clothes manufacturers sometimes have manufacturing errors. Usually, the missed stitch or not-quite-perfect seam is not anything that will affect wear, especially in the short time the clothing item will fit your baby. You could save as much as 70% off department store prices if you buy baby layette items at your local discount and seconds stores. Your new baby won't know, nor will she care.
Buy Layette Items In Charity Or Other Second Hand Stores
Newborn baby layette items are nearly always hardly used. Most babies just do not wear them long enough to do much damage. A visit to local charity stores, such as a Salvation Army thrift store, may enable you to buy a whole load of layette items that still look good, all for a few dollars.
Buy New Born Baby Clothes A Size Up
Many newborn babies hardly spend a month in the 0-3 month sizes. What you can do is save the smallest size for special occasions, as a good fit obviously looks smarter. Such occasions could be coming home from the hospital, the first visit to or from grandparents etc. Otherwise jump right to the 3-6 month size for any fitted clothing. For the same reason, stick to comfortable, stretchy cotton and terry knit materials for one piece sleepers. They should fit your baby fit much longer.
Easy Access Night Gowns
Drawstring bottom night gowns are just about the most convenient single item for your new baby at home. When baby needs her diaper changing, you can just pull up, change her, and then pull back down again. Do not be distracted by the reference to "night"; when your baby comes home, whether it's dark or light outside, it will always be night as far as she's concerned. She will be sleeping, lying their waking up, or falling asleep, just about 24 hours a day. The distractions will be for feeding and changing. In the middle of the real night, you will appreciate being able to change her with ease, rather than fiddling, in your half asleep state, with lots of poppers, zips and layers of clothing.
Multi Purpose Cotton Diapers
If you decide to use disposable diapers, do not rule out the purchase of some 100% cotton diapers as well, even if it's only one pack. They really are great to have around when you have a new baby, and even when baby becomes a young child. They are very useful as burp rags, laid over your shoulder or lap, as you burp the baby. But you will also find yourself using them for other things, such as wiping away dribbles, or worse. Rarely, a baby will even adopt one for comfort to suck at night. However, I am sure my 24 year old son would not want me to go further into that matter!
Wash Fabric Layette Items Before Baby Is Born
It is worthwhile using a very mild laundry soap, such as Dreft or Ivory Snow, to wash away any remnants of dyes, chemicals or starches. Babies have notoriously delicate skin, and allergic reaction can be a real problem. Bleaching used items is fine, but you must give a thorough rinsing before baby comes into contact.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Top 5 Christmas Gifts for Toddlers
1. Automoblox Cars
These cars are hot. Super sleek design, fantastic colours, smooth wooden bodies. And now they're available as minis. They're build your own toys and the best part is that the pieces are interchangeable between models so your toddler can really create the car of their dreams. This toy is great for encouraging creativity and imagination and can become quite an enviable collection. They cost from £8.99 for the minis, are suitable from 3 years plus and not surprisingly, they've won many awards too. I'm thinking hot, hot, hot stocking fillers.
2. Push Along Toys
The classic push along toy, great for encouraging balance and walking. Orange Tree toys make some super bright and colourful wooden ones which are just the ticket for babies on the verge of walking. Although my toddler, who's mastered the art of walking still loves hers and brings it out to play everyday. Choose from a monkey, cow, elephant and more. The little beads on the wheels make a clacking noise when pushed which just adds to the fun. And with prices from £6 -£10, they're fantastic value too. You can find a good selection on Amazon.
3. Elephant Elements - A book about opposites
Books. No toddler can have too many. Elephant Elements is one which ranks very high on my toddler books list. It's got cool illustrations, it's entertaining, it's a great way to teach opposites. Every page has two elephants doing opposite things. The book is funny and clever and will appeal to parents too. It costs £9.99 from Amazon and makes for a smiley, happy stocking filler or a main gift for your own toddler or for some elses'. This book is oh so lovely!
4. Food
Play food, that is. The talented folks at Ikea have got some super-duper cloth play food in their new collection. And as always with Ikea, you get style and design without the chunky price tag. Checkout the Ikea Duktig food range which has a fourteen piece vegetable set, a nine piece fruit set and a fifteen piece breakfast set. And the best bit, they're just £5.99 each. They're bright, they're beautiful and include details like cutting boards and fruit baskets and can be stuck in the washing machine too. They're only available in store at the moment so you'll have to get down there.
5. A Cool Kimono Top
Sorry boy owners, this last ones just for the girls. If your girl is a budding fashion queen, she'll love this kimono top (and so will you!) from a lovely online shop called Isak. The graphic print in sunshine yellow and turquoise blue is fresh and cool. It comes with a detachable sash in the same print which can also double up as a super trendy hair band. It's 100% cotton, free of nasty toxic dyes, available in sizes from 1year to 5 and costs £9. It comes from the house of Isak, a shop full of stuff that's oh, so stunning!
These cars are hot. Super sleek design, fantastic colours, smooth wooden bodies. And now they're available as minis. They're build your own toys and the best part is that the pieces are interchangeable between models so your toddler can really create the car of their dreams. This toy is great for encouraging creativity and imagination and can become quite an enviable collection. They cost from £8.99 for the minis, are suitable from 3 years plus and not surprisingly, they've won many awards too. I'm thinking hot, hot, hot stocking fillers.
2. Push Along Toys
The classic push along toy, great for encouraging balance and walking. Orange Tree toys make some super bright and colourful wooden ones which are just the ticket for babies on the verge of walking. Although my toddler, who's mastered the art of walking still loves hers and brings it out to play everyday. Choose from a monkey, cow, elephant and more. The little beads on the wheels make a clacking noise when pushed which just adds to the fun. And with prices from £6 -£10, they're fantastic value too. You can find a good selection on Amazon.
3. Elephant Elements - A book about opposites
Books. No toddler can have too many. Elephant Elements is one which ranks very high on my toddler books list. It's got cool illustrations, it's entertaining, it's a great way to teach opposites. Every page has two elephants doing opposite things. The book is funny and clever and will appeal to parents too. It costs £9.99 from Amazon and makes for a smiley, happy stocking filler or a main gift for your own toddler or for some elses'. This book is oh so lovely!
4. Food
Play food, that is. The talented folks at Ikea have got some super-duper cloth play food in their new collection. And as always with Ikea, you get style and design without the chunky price tag. Checkout the Ikea Duktig food range which has a fourteen piece vegetable set, a nine piece fruit set and a fifteen piece breakfast set. And the best bit, they're just £5.99 each. They're bright, they're beautiful and include details like cutting boards and fruit baskets and can be stuck in the washing machine too. They're only available in store at the moment so you'll have to get down there.
5. A Cool Kimono Top
Sorry boy owners, this last ones just for the girls. If your girl is a budding fashion queen, she'll love this kimono top (and so will you!) from a lovely online shop called Isak. The graphic print in sunshine yellow and turquoise blue is fresh and cool. It comes with a detachable sash in the same print which can also double up as a super trendy hair band. It's 100% cotton, free of nasty toxic dyes, available in sizes from 1year to 5 and costs £9. It comes from the house of Isak, a shop full of stuff that's oh, so stunning!
What You Should Always Have in Your Diaper Bag
When you carry your baby with you wherever you go you need to have a minimum of things to ensure their comfort as well as yours. Yet, for first time moms or dads, understanding exactly what they should and what they should not take with them when leaving the house with their baby may be a daunting task.
If you are experiencing this problem too, then here are the things you should always put in your diaper bag.
First, you will need the diapers! You can not leave home without a few diapers in your diaper bag. Do not take only one, as you do not know exactly how long you will be out of the house or how many "surprises" your child will give you!
Then, in order to change the diaper you will also need special baby napkins. You can take a smaller pack and keep it in your bag all the time or you can simply purchase a travel case and refill it each time you go out with your baby.
Then, you should always have a changing pad in your diaper bag as no matter where you have to change your baby, you will be sure they are resting on a comfortable and clean piece of fabric. Not all places have specially designed baby changing areas, so you may be forced to improvise!
It will also be a great idea to take a change of clothes with you in case the one your baby already has gets dirty. If your baby tends to make quite a noise when changing their diaper, take a pacifier or their favorite toy with you so that you can avoid them crying and disturbing the people around.
Even though you feed your baby before leaving home, you will still need to take a bottle of milk with you in case they get hungry. You will also need a bib and a burp cloth to prevent the milk from getting on the baby's clothes.
It is also recommended to have a bottle of water or tea with you as even babies may get thirsty. This way you will not spoil their feeding schedule but at the same time quench their thirst.
There are lots of things which should be taken when leaving home with your baby, this is why you will need a large diaper bag which will accommodate all these without any trouble.
Also, look for bags with lots of pockets which will make your access to different things much easier and make sure that it is large enough to hold everything, yet fashionable enough to get out with it on the street!
If you are experiencing this problem too, then here are the things you should always put in your diaper bag.
First, you will need the diapers! You can not leave home without a few diapers in your diaper bag. Do not take only one, as you do not know exactly how long you will be out of the house or how many "surprises" your child will give you!
Then, in order to change the diaper you will also need special baby napkins. You can take a smaller pack and keep it in your bag all the time or you can simply purchase a travel case and refill it each time you go out with your baby.
Then, you should always have a changing pad in your diaper bag as no matter where you have to change your baby, you will be sure they are resting on a comfortable and clean piece of fabric. Not all places have specially designed baby changing areas, so you may be forced to improvise!
It will also be a great idea to take a change of clothes with you in case the one your baby already has gets dirty. If your baby tends to make quite a noise when changing their diaper, take a pacifier or their favorite toy with you so that you can avoid them crying and disturbing the people around.
Even though you feed your baby before leaving home, you will still need to take a bottle of milk with you in case they get hungry. You will also need a bib and a burp cloth to prevent the milk from getting on the baby's clothes.
It is also recommended to have a bottle of water or tea with you as even babies may get thirsty. This way you will not spoil their feeding schedule but at the same time quench their thirst.
There are lots of things which should be taken when leaving home with your baby, this is why you will need a large diaper bag which will accommodate all these without any trouble.
Also, look for bags with lots of pockets which will make your access to different things much easier and make sure that it is large enough to hold everything, yet fashionable enough to get out with it on the street!
Nighttime Harmony With Your Baby
It's 3:00am and while the rest of the world is in a peaceful slumber you are... not. You are up, half dressed, pacing vigorously up and down the hallway with a crying baby in your arms. Your hair is in your eyes, which are bloodshot, dry, and burning. As your body aches with fatigue and your nipples throb, your heart aches more for the sadness pouring out of this little extension of yourself. You are hearing all of those advice-givers in your head telling you that, "You will spoil him if you hold him too much." "If you don't leave him in his crib, he will never learn to sleep through the night." "If you pick him up every time he cries he will only cry more." You are just reaching a new level of desperation in your fatigue when your pacing lands you in the doorway to your bedroom. Your eyes fall on your partner who is in perfect sync with the rest of the world, sleeping peacefully. That's it. You put the baby alarm right in front of his face and say, "Your turn!" as you walk out of the room for a breather.
I am going to give you the secret to sleeping through the night: don't have a baby! Parenting is a 24-hour job. Their needs don't stop just because the sun goes down. We've all been there. Everyone who has ever had a baby has been there. And in our zeal to be the best parent we can be, combined with the exhaustion a new mother faces, we try to impose all these ideas of what nighttime should be on ourselves: the pictures of a baby sleeping soundly in a perfectly designed crib in a perfectly outfitted nursery, your mother-in-law telling you the only way to get any sleep is to let her "cry it out," maybe even your pediatrician warning you that whatever you do- don't bring baby in to your bed." It is so important to enter parenthood and approach nighttime with appropriate expectations. And I'm sorry if I'm the one breaking it to you but newborns are not supposed to sleep through the night.
So what's wrong these adorable little poop machines? Why don't they sleep at night? I'm sorry to have to say this but it's partly mom's fault. Throughout 9 months of pregnancy, baby comes into existence and consciousness under these circumstances: rocked and swayed and soothed with voices all day, still, quiet and bored all night. Mom is up moving, walking, turning and talking all day long. It's like rocking baby in a rocking chair while singing a lullaby. Then nighttime rolls around and mom lays still and silent in bed. Most mothers will attest to the fact that by the end of pregnancy, sleep is nearly impossible because come night time, baby is bouncing all around in there, wide awake.
A baby is born with a couple pressing tasks. First, sucker grown-ups into a euphoric state of love assuring they will meet your needs (attachment). Second, gain weight. The process of attachment (primary emotional, psychological, and social developmental task at birth) is so important that it cannot take half the day off (12 -20 hours is the amount of sleep a newborn needs). Even gaining weight (primary physical developmental task at birth) is tied in to attachment. To really thrive and put on those healthy rolls a newborn needs to eat every 2-(max) 4 hours. This is because babies have tiny stomachs. They can only hold and digest a few ounces as newborns. So you fill them to the brim, and then a couple hours later they are again on E, ready for more. Stretching the time between feedings doesn't expand the size of their stomachs; it just forces them to sit longer in a state of hunger. Needing to eat is not a behavioral issue, it is a physical one. As much as your baby loves you and wants you to be rested, she cannot change her capacity to digest. As she grows, her stomach grows, and so will the time between feedings. Lastly, babies just have shorter sleep cycles. It is believed to be a protective mechanism to wake up their systems and make sure they keep firing (breathing, pumping, digesting, etc.).
So what's a new family to do? Well the first step in creating a peaceful night for your family is to change the goal for nighttime from sleeping through the night to HARMONY. Nighttime harmony is priceless. It is the experience of being peacefully in sync with your baby throughout the night. It is the difference between fighting against your baby in a battle for sleep and being connected with your baby for the mutual goal of rest.
The primary tenant of nighttime harmony is to do what feels right for you and baby. Listen to your innate wisdom as a parent. Tune in to your baby and do what feels right. This could take some soul searching. It involves examining your preconceived notions of what should be. Reach inside and pull out all your assumptions. Where did they come from? Try them on. Does it feel like a good fit? Look into the eyes of your baby and tap into that maternal wisdom. If it feels right, keep it. Integrate it into your new idea of nighttime with your baby. If it doesn't feel quite right, toss it. You can respect the people who give you advice while at the same time recognizing that their advice doesn't fit your baby or your family.
Let's start with the 'where' of sleeping arrangements with baby. That image of the perfectly decorated nursery is a nice one but when it comes to actually sleeping, you have to be a little creative, open-minded, and accepting of whatever arrangement gives everyone the most sleep. Co-sleeping is something that most mother's come to unintentionally, out of a desperate need for more sleep. After waking up, walking down the hall, picking up baby, nursing while sitting up in the rocking chair, and putting baby back to bed you think, "I'll just pick him up and bring him to my bed and nurse him there. That way I can lay down." You fall asleep nursing and realize, "Oh my god, I just slept 4 hours!" The reason co-sleeping works so well is because baby is getting all the things that makes him thrive: skin-to-skin contact, milk, mom's breathing regulates his own, mom's heartbeat is a soothing reminder of the womb, and mom's chest even regulates baby's temperature. And while baby is in heaven, so is mom.
You do your job of meeting your baby's needs while laying and resting effortlessly in bed- talk about harmony. Breastfeeding in bed requires some new positions but they are totally worth mastering. The side-laying position is the classic co-sleeping arrangement. Lay on your side (you can put a pillow behind your back) and lay baby on his side, mouth to nipple. You can rest his head on your arm or not. Dads are sometimes unsure of how they will fair in this arrangement. Assure your partner that a happy, rested mama means a happier wife. Some dads end up spending the first month or so on the couch (my husband made a bed on the floor next to us) but a new baby takes work and sacrifice from both parents. Dad has to do his part too. As far as sex goes (while this is certainly not the priority immediately post baby), be creative! The bed is not the only place for erotic fun. Don't worry, your baby will NOT want to sleep with you forever (despite what some advice-givers will tell you).
Research shows that when mom's co-sleep with baby, they are so sharply attuned to baby that amazing things happen. If baby moves his head back, mom moves her head forward. If baby scoots down, mom scoots down. It is actually an amazing testament to the connection between mom and baby. Mothers accommodate baby's position all night long. And the slightest wiggle or disturbance on the part of the baby results in a hovering, awake mother. This is not true however, of fathers. Since fathers don't get to spend 9 months tuning in to baby, they are not attuned to baby while sleeping in this special way. That's why baby should sleep between mom and the end of the bed. You should know that research absolutely supports the safety of co-sleeping (refer to Attachment Parenting International and Dr. Sears). That said there are some guidelines to maximize the safety of this sleeping arrangement.
1. No big comforters on mom or baby.
2. Make sure there is some kind of a bed rail or place the mattress on the floor to prevent the baby from falling off the bed.
3. No siblings in bed with baby.
4. No co-sleeping if mom or dad has consumed any alcohol or medication.
5. Put baby to sleep on their back.
To cosleep actually means to sleep in close proximity with baby. What I described above is technically referred to as bed-sharing. But co-sleeping can take other forms. Consider using a co-sleeper. You can buy a "co-sleeper" (Babies R Us) or side-car your crib as a toddler bed to accomplish the same goal. Baby will have her own designated space but be within arm's reach. This means you can hear every breath and all you have to do is open your eyes to see her little chest moving up and down. You can pull her close for nursing and slide back her back over to sleep. Personally, this arrangement is ideal for me. I find that this provides the perfect balance whereby I can get the best sleep. If baby is in a different room I can't sleep. I worry about them and have to get up constantly to meet their needs. If baby is in my bed all night, I feel like I am "on the clock" and have trouble reaching the deepest stages of sleep. But with baby co-sleeping right next to me I can lay right next to him, nose to nose, all night long, pulling him over for breastfeeding periods and sliding him back when I want some serious sleep. I encourage you to find the arrangement that works best for you. Every baby is different. Every mother is different. Every family is different. Do what works best for you and your baby.
How do you get baby to sleep to begin with? Start by winding baby down with a nighttime routine. Incorporating a bath and massage is a great way to wind down for the night. Try to stick with the same routine every night but do what works best for you baby and your family and be flexible with phases, issues, or changing needs. Try swaddling. Some babies find peace in being tightly wrapped, mimicking the feeling inside the womb. Wearing down baby in a sling is a great way to ease baby to sleep. Babywearing incorporates swaddling and mimics the womb, provides rocking, skin-to-skin contact, baby is soothed by the sound of your heartbeat and the boom of your voice. Breastfeed while babywearing to release all those feel good hormones and fill baby's tummy for a long stretch of sleep. Vacuum the house to add white noise and that pretty much utilizes the full arsenal. It is good to have a nighttime "time" to keep in mind in your nighttime routine. This time should not be a strict bedtime as you might have with an older child but a general guideline for putting the world to sleep: turn off the lights, don't speak using high-pitch tones, no more games or playful engagement. Embrace the transition and send the message that the daytime has ended and nighttime is here.
While always being able to meet all the needs of your baby is ideal, parents are human beings. We need sleep. If the goal is to be the best parent you can be, then sleep for you is going to need to be in that equation. It is hard to balance the needs of your baby with your needs. This will be a balance you will work on daily for the rest of your life. Especially if you have a high needs baby, you have to give yourself permission to get the fuel you need to keep taking good care of that baby. Sometimes this might mean calling daddy up from the batter's box (giving daddy and baby time to establish their connection is good for both daddy and baby), giving a trusted family member a shift, or leaving baby in the crib. I am not a fan of scheduling babies (because what that usually really means is putting baby on your schedule) but there are some situations when a schedule is what's best for baby and family. One example of this is with multiples. To ensure every baby gets all the milk and sleep they need, schedules are sometimes necessary. Doing what's best for your baby and your family is the moral of this story. Sometimes doing what's best for you is what's best for baby in the long run.
Misconceptions about babies and sleep:
If you don't put baby to bed while he is still awake, he will never learn to fall asleep on his own. The logic behind this is that if you put baby to sleep while he is still awake, he will learn to self-soothe. This idea came out of the big push for independence along with bottle-feeding. Babies are dependent- they're supposed to be! If you look at the entire lifespan of a human being, they only need you for such a short period of time. If you allow them to be dependent while it's appropriate, they will establish security and feel safe and confident enough to be independent. Developmental psychologists throughout history agree that the first task of infancy is establishing trust in caregivers and the world. Once this is firmly established they can move into to establishing independence.
If you pick up a baby when she is crying, you are teaching her to cry. The logic behind this is that you are rewarding the behavior thereby reinforcing it. This is taken from a very basic principle of learning psychology first studied with lab rats and frequently used with dogs. Babies are not dogs. As much as you may love your pet- it is not the same. There are far more dynamics at play with a baby than a simple behavior/reward model covers. Research has shown us that the opposite is actually true. The "cry it out" method unfolds like this: baby communicates a need, no response, baby cries, no response, baby eventually gives up and learns that they their communication is not effective, caregivers are not there for them, their needs may not be met, and the world is not a safe place, baby stops crying. Now try this on for size: baby communicates a need caregiver responds sensitively (in an appropriate and timely manner) baby learns that communication is effective, caregivers are present and attentive, needs will be met, the world is a safe place, baby does not need to cry.
Co-sleeping increases the risk of SIDS. Research shows that the opposite is true. When babies sleep next to an attached caregiver there are several factors at play working to protect babies against SIDS.
· Mother is tuned into baby for signs of distress.
· Baby mirrors mother's steady and rhythmic breathing ("reminds" baby to breath).
· Baby mirrors mother's steady and rhythmic heart rate.
· The sucking from frequent breastfeeding increases brain activity and fluid production, increases the flow and efficiency of all baby's systems.
· Skin-to-skin contact increases the level of feel-good hormones and decreases the level of stress hormones.
· Mother's chest actually regulates baby's temperature. If baby's temperature rises, mother's temperature lowers. If baby's temperature lowers, mother's temperature raises and she expels heat from her chest to warm baby.
Once you bring a baby into your bed, you will never get them out. Ridiculous. As discussed above, a baby is dependent as an infant. Allow them a time of dependence! You will not have a 30-year-old in your bed. The more you give them what they need to feel secure as infants, the more safe, secure, and confident they will feel to be more independent than their prematurely pushed counterparts. If you are worried about it, you can use a transitional strategy. Baby sleeps with you while they are breastfeeding during the night. You can then put their bed right next to yours (like an extension of your bed). You can then move their bed to the foot of your bed.
Lastly, move their bed into their room. Include them in the process of selecting a bed and bedding and make it fun and positive. On a personal note, my first born son slept in our room when he was a baby. Even after he was done breastfeeding at night, my husband liked him in our room. Since he worked all day, he valued the closeness having him with us at night provided. As his second birthday approached, we asked him what he wanted and he said, a big boy bed! He got a bed for his second birthday and other than an occasional night when he was really sick, we never saw him at night again. We provided him with security and allowed him to take the lead in establishing his independence. We now have a son full of love, inner peace, and independence.
Babies need a strict bed time. I am an advocate of teaching your children to listen to their bodies. Babies are born with an amazing mind-body connection. If nothing else, they know when they are hungry and tired. Strictly scheduling babies can disrupt this connection. Instead of telling your child to clean their plate, ask them to close their eyes and listen to their tummies. "Is your body telling you you are hungry?" The same is true for sleep. As children get older nighttime can become a power struggle between parent and child. Instead, encourage children to listen to their bodies, hear the signs of sleepiness, and respect them. Have a good nighttime routine and keep moving in the direction of bed (upstairs, bathroom, bedroom, bed, etc.). Try sending the message that the world is going to sleep: go outside to see the darkness, say good night to the sun, hello to the moon and stars, turn off the lights, turn down your voices, take a bath, have a massage, go to bed, read some stories, night-night.
I am going to give you the secret to sleeping through the night: don't have a baby! Parenting is a 24-hour job. Their needs don't stop just because the sun goes down. We've all been there. Everyone who has ever had a baby has been there. And in our zeal to be the best parent we can be, combined with the exhaustion a new mother faces, we try to impose all these ideas of what nighttime should be on ourselves: the pictures of a baby sleeping soundly in a perfectly designed crib in a perfectly outfitted nursery, your mother-in-law telling you the only way to get any sleep is to let her "cry it out," maybe even your pediatrician warning you that whatever you do- don't bring baby in to your bed." It is so important to enter parenthood and approach nighttime with appropriate expectations. And I'm sorry if I'm the one breaking it to you but newborns are not supposed to sleep through the night.
So what's wrong these adorable little poop machines? Why don't they sleep at night? I'm sorry to have to say this but it's partly mom's fault. Throughout 9 months of pregnancy, baby comes into existence and consciousness under these circumstances: rocked and swayed and soothed with voices all day, still, quiet and bored all night. Mom is up moving, walking, turning and talking all day long. It's like rocking baby in a rocking chair while singing a lullaby. Then nighttime rolls around and mom lays still and silent in bed. Most mothers will attest to the fact that by the end of pregnancy, sleep is nearly impossible because come night time, baby is bouncing all around in there, wide awake.
A baby is born with a couple pressing tasks. First, sucker grown-ups into a euphoric state of love assuring they will meet your needs (attachment). Second, gain weight. The process of attachment (primary emotional, psychological, and social developmental task at birth) is so important that it cannot take half the day off (12 -20 hours is the amount of sleep a newborn needs). Even gaining weight (primary physical developmental task at birth) is tied in to attachment. To really thrive and put on those healthy rolls a newborn needs to eat every 2-(max) 4 hours. This is because babies have tiny stomachs. They can only hold and digest a few ounces as newborns. So you fill them to the brim, and then a couple hours later they are again on E, ready for more. Stretching the time between feedings doesn't expand the size of their stomachs; it just forces them to sit longer in a state of hunger. Needing to eat is not a behavioral issue, it is a physical one. As much as your baby loves you and wants you to be rested, she cannot change her capacity to digest. As she grows, her stomach grows, and so will the time between feedings. Lastly, babies just have shorter sleep cycles. It is believed to be a protective mechanism to wake up their systems and make sure they keep firing (breathing, pumping, digesting, etc.).
So what's a new family to do? Well the first step in creating a peaceful night for your family is to change the goal for nighttime from sleeping through the night to HARMONY. Nighttime harmony is priceless. It is the experience of being peacefully in sync with your baby throughout the night. It is the difference between fighting against your baby in a battle for sleep and being connected with your baby for the mutual goal of rest.
The primary tenant of nighttime harmony is to do what feels right for you and baby. Listen to your innate wisdom as a parent. Tune in to your baby and do what feels right. This could take some soul searching. It involves examining your preconceived notions of what should be. Reach inside and pull out all your assumptions. Where did they come from? Try them on. Does it feel like a good fit? Look into the eyes of your baby and tap into that maternal wisdom. If it feels right, keep it. Integrate it into your new idea of nighttime with your baby. If it doesn't feel quite right, toss it. You can respect the people who give you advice while at the same time recognizing that their advice doesn't fit your baby or your family.
Let's start with the 'where' of sleeping arrangements with baby. That image of the perfectly decorated nursery is a nice one but when it comes to actually sleeping, you have to be a little creative, open-minded, and accepting of whatever arrangement gives everyone the most sleep. Co-sleeping is something that most mother's come to unintentionally, out of a desperate need for more sleep. After waking up, walking down the hall, picking up baby, nursing while sitting up in the rocking chair, and putting baby back to bed you think, "I'll just pick him up and bring him to my bed and nurse him there. That way I can lay down." You fall asleep nursing and realize, "Oh my god, I just slept 4 hours!" The reason co-sleeping works so well is because baby is getting all the things that makes him thrive: skin-to-skin contact, milk, mom's breathing regulates his own, mom's heartbeat is a soothing reminder of the womb, and mom's chest even regulates baby's temperature. And while baby is in heaven, so is mom.
You do your job of meeting your baby's needs while laying and resting effortlessly in bed- talk about harmony. Breastfeeding in bed requires some new positions but they are totally worth mastering. The side-laying position is the classic co-sleeping arrangement. Lay on your side (you can put a pillow behind your back) and lay baby on his side, mouth to nipple. You can rest his head on your arm or not. Dads are sometimes unsure of how they will fair in this arrangement. Assure your partner that a happy, rested mama means a happier wife. Some dads end up spending the first month or so on the couch (my husband made a bed on the floor next to us) but a new baby takes work and sacrifice from both parents. Dad has to do his part too. As far as sex goes (while this is certainly not the priority immediately post baby), be creative! The bed is not the only place for erotic fun. Don't worry, your baby will NOT want to sleep with you forever (despite what some advice-givers will tell you).
Research shows that when mom's co-sleep with baby, they are so sharply attuned to baby that amazing things happen. If baby moves his head back, mom moves her head forward. If baby scoots down, mom scoots down. It is actually an amazing testament to the connection between mom and baby. Mothers accommodate baby's position all night long. And the slightest wiggle or disturbance on the part of the baby results in a hovering, awake mother. This is not true however, of fathers. Since fathers don't get to spend 9 months tuning in to baby, they are not attuned to baby while sleeping in this special way. That's why baby should sleep between mom and the end of the bed. You should know that research absolutely supports the safety of co-sleeping (refer to Attachment Parenting International and Dr. Sears). That said there are some guidelines to maximize the safety of this sleeping arrangement.
1. No big comforters on mom or baby.
2. Make sure there is some kind of a bed rail or place the mattress on the floor to prevent the baby from falling off the bed.
3. No siblings in bed with baby.
4. No co-sleeping if mom or dad has consumed any alcohol or medication.
5. Put baby to sleep on their back.
To cosleep actually means to sleep in close proximity with baby. What I described above is technically referred to as bed-sharing. But co-sleeping can take other forms. Consider using a co-sleeper. You can buy a "co-sleeper" (Babies R Us) or side-car your crib as a toddler bed to accomplish the same goal. Baby will have her own designated space but be within arm's reach. This means you can hear every breath and all you have to do is open your eyes to see her little chest moving up and down. You can pull her close for nursing and slide back her back over to sleep. Personally, this arrangement is ideal for me. I find that this provides the perfect balance whereby I can get the best sleep. If baby is in a different room I can't sleep. I worry about them and have to get up constantly to meet their needs. If baby is in my bed all night, I feel like I am "on the clock" and have trouble reaching the deepest stages of sleep. But with baby co-sleeping right next to me I can lay right next to him, nose to nose, all night long, pulling him over for breastfeeding periods and sliding him back when I want some serious sleep. I encourage you to find the arrangement that works best for you. Every baby is different. Every mother is different. Every family is different. Do what works best for you and your baby.
How do you get baby to sleep to begin with? Start by winding baby down with a nighttime routine. Incorporating a bath and massage is a great way to wind down for the night. Try to stick with the same routine every night but do what works best for you baby and your family and be flexible with phases, issues, or changing needs. Try swaddling. Some babies find peace in being tightly wrapped, mimicking the feeling inside the womb. Wearing down baby in a sling is a great way to ease baby to sleep. Babywearing incorporates swaddling and mimics the womb, provides rocking, skin-to-skin contact, baby is soothed by the sound of your heartbeat and the boom of your voice. Breastfeed while babywearing to release all those feel good hormones and fill baby's tummy for a long stretch of sleep. Vacuum the house to add white noise and that pretty much utilizes the full arsenal. It is good to have a nighttime "time" to keep in mind in your nighttime routine. This time should not be a strict bedtime as you might have with an older child but a general guideline for putting the world to sleep: turn off the lights, don't speak using high-pitch tones, no more games or playful engagement. Embrace the transition and send the message that the daytime has ended and nighttime is here.
While always being able to meet all the needs of your baby is ideal, parents are human beings. We need sleep. If the goal is to be the best parent you can be, then sleep for you is going to need to be in that equation. It is hard to balance the needs of your baby with your needs. This will be a balance you will work on daily for the rest of your life. Especially if you have a high needs baby, you have to give yourself permission to get the fuel you need to keep taking good care of that baby. Sometimes this might mean calling daddy up from the batter's box (giving daddy and baby time to establish their connection is good for both daddy and baby), giving a trusted family member a shift, or leaving baby in the crib. I am not a fan of scheduling babies (because what that usually really means is putting baby on your schedule) but there are some situations when a schedule is what's best for baby and family. One example of this is with multiples. To ensure every baby gets all the milk and sleep they need, schedules are sometimes necessary. Doing what's best for your baby and your family is the moral of this story. Sometimes doing what's best for you is what's best for baby in the long run.
Misconceptions about babies and sleep:
If you don't put baby to bed while he is still awake, he will never learn to fall asleep on his own. The logic behind this is that if you put baby to sleep while he is still awake, he will learn to self-soothe. This idea came out of the big push for independence along with bottle-feeding. Babies are dependent- they're supposed to be! If you look at the entire lifespan of a human being, they only need you for such a short period of time. If you allow them to be dependent while it's appropriate, they will establish security and feel safe and confident enough to be independent. Developmental psychologists throughout history agree that the first task of infancy is establishing trust in caregivers and the world. Once this is firmly established they can move into to establishing independence.
If you pick up a baby when she is crying, you are teaching her to cry. The logic behind this is that you are rewarding the behavior thereby reinforcing it. This is taken from a very basic principle of learning psychology first studied with lab rats and frequently used with dogs. Babies are not dogs. As much as you may love your pet- it is not the same. There are far more dynamics at play with a baby than a simple behavior/reward model covers. Research has shown us that the opposite is actually true. The "cry it out" method unfolds like this: baby communicates a need, no response, baby cries, no response, baby eventually gives up and learns that they their communication is not effective, caregivers are not there for them, their needs may not be met, and the world is not a safe place, baby stops crying. Now try this on for size: baby communicates a need caregiver responds sensitively (in an appropriate and timely manner) baby learns that communication is effective, caregivers are present and attentive, needs will be met, the world is a safe place, baby does not need to cry.
Co-sleeping increases the risk of SIDS. Research shows that the opposite is true. When babies sleep next to an attached caregiver there are several factors at play working to protect babies against SIDS.
· Mother is tuned into baby for signs of distress.
· Baby mirrors mother's steady and rhythmic breathing ("reminds" baby to breath).
· Baby mirrors mother's steady and rhythmic heart rate.
· The sucking from frequent breastfeeding increases brain activity and fluid production, increases the flow and efficiency of all baby's systems.
· Skin-to-skin contact increases the level of feel-good hormones and decreases the level of stress hormones.
· Mother's chest actually regulates baby's temperature. If baby's temperature rises, mother's temperature lowers. If baby's temperature lowers, mother's temperature raises and she expels heat from her chest to warm baby.
Once you bring a baby into your bed, you will never get them out. Ridiculous. As discussed above, a baby is dependent as an infant. Allow them a time of dependence! You will not have a 30-year-old in your bed. The more you give them what they need to feel secure as infants, the more safe, secure, and confident they will feel to be more independent than their prematurely pushed counterparts. If you are worried about it, you can use a transitional strategy. Baby sleeps with you while they are breastfeeding during the night. You can then put their bed right next to yours (like an extension of your bed). You can then move their bed to the foot of your bed.
Lastly, move their bed into their room. Include them in the process of selecting a bed and bedding and make it fun and positive. On a personal note, my first born son slept in our room when he was a baby. Even after he was done breastfeeding at night, my husband liked him in our room. Since he worked all day, he valued the closeness having him with us at night provided. As his second birthday approached, we asked him what he wanted and he said, a big boy bed! He got a bed for his second birthday and other than an occasional night when he was really sick, we never saw him at night again. We provided him with security and allowed him to take the lead in establishing his independence. We now have a son full of love, inner peace, and independence.
Babies need a strict bed time. I am an advocate of teaching your children to listen to their bodies. Babies are born with an amazing mind-body connection. If nothing else, they know when they are hungry and tired. Strictly scheduling babies can disrupt this connection. Instead of telling your child to clean their plate, ask them to close their eyes and listen to their tummies. "Is your body telling you you are hungry?" The same is true for sleep. As children get older nighttime can become a power struggle between parent and child. Instead, encourage children to listen to their bodies, hear the signs of sleepiness, and respect them. Have a good nighttime routine and keep moving in the direction of bed (upstairs, bathroom, bedroom, bed, etc.). Try sending the message that the world is going to sleep: go outside to see the darkness, say good night to the sun, hello to the moon and stars, turn off the lights, turn down your voices, take a bath, have a massage, go to bed, read some stories, night-night.
Tips on How to Stop a Baby From Crying
It is frustrating enough for the parents when an infant won't stop crying, so for a babysitter with far less experience, it can actually bring her to tears. If you are a babysitter, nanny, or other childcare provider who often cares for infants, or even if you are a new parent, here is a list of possible reasons why baby won't stop crying and what to do to calm her:
If you find yourself getting really upset, frustrated, and angry because the baby won't stop crying and you have tried all the suggestions above, then try putting the baby in her crib where she is safe, and step out of the room for a few minutes. Take a few deep breaths and think about all the things you have tried to be sure you have not missed anything.
If you are the babysitter and have tried everything and feel like you are losing your patience, give the parents a call. They may be able to give you other suggestions over the phone if they know of something in particular that usually quiets their baby or makes him happy. If you are unable to soothe the crying baby, you may ask the parents to come home as a last resort. But, often times the baby will quiet down by the time the parents get back depending on how far away they are.
The most important thing you can do when the baby will not stop crying is to stay calm yourself and remind yourself that the baby will not cry forever
- When you are dealing with a crying baby, look at the time. Is it anywhere near feeding time? If it is within half an hour, try the bottle. Baby's schedules change so often as they grow that their needs can actually change overnight.
- Crying babies are usually trying to tell you something and it could be something as simple as "I am tired." If it is not anywhere near feeding time, check to see if it could be close to nap time. If so, you could try rocking the baby for a few minutes and putting him down for a nap.
- Is the baby's diaper wet or soiled? If so, change it, even if the parent said the baby should not need her diaper changed until after her nap. This is not always something that can be predicted!
- A crying baby might just need to burp. Hold the baby upright against your chest with his head just above your shoulder and pat his back gently. Trapped gas is very painful for a baby, but once it is released the baby usually quiets down immediately. Another position that may help baby to release gas is to lay him across your lap and rub his back.
- Try distracting a crying baby by blowing raspberries, making silly sounds, dancing around, or making funny faces.
- Sometimes babies just want to be held. If the baby is in an exersaucer, bouncy seat, or swing, try picking her up and holding her.
- If baby was lying on the floor or in a stationary device, try moving him to a vibrating chair or swing. Try the swing at different speeds if it has several settings, to see if he has a preference.
- Lots of babies like motion when they are being held. Try bouncing her very gently by bending your knees slightly and straightening them while holding her, or walk around with her and pat her pack. Occasionally, you may need to combine all of these by holding the baby upright, walking around, very gently bouncing her and patting her back. Try adding humming or singing to her as well.
- Some babies want to be held but do not want to be cradled or have their face in your shoulder. Many babies prefer to be held facing outward from your body. Try holding the baby with his back against your chest or stomach, one arm around his torso and the other supporting his bottom through his legs. Babies are curious and want to see everything! A crying baby may just be bored. (Warning - this is NOT an appropriate position to hold very young infants that still need their head supported.)
- Does baby use a pacifier? Some babies just have a fussy time of day, when not much makes them happy and the baby won't stop crying even after you have tried all of the suggestions above. If this is the case, hopefully the parents have left you with some ideas of what to do to make baby happy or strategies for dealing with it. If the baby uses a pacifier, this may be all it takes to quiet her down.
- Many babies just go through what is called a "strange period" where they cry and scream if anyone other than the immediate family or a very familiar person tries to hold them or talk to them. In this case, if the baby has older siblings, you may want to employ their help by asking them to talk to the baby or to play nearby so the baby can hear and/or see them.
- While a crying baby may be a bored baby, he may also be an overstimulated baby. If the baby has a "sound machine" or "white noise machine" try rocking him or holding him in the room with the machine turned on and the lights dimmed. If he does not have a sound machine, a fan, vacuum, washing machine or dryer, or dishwasher will work just as well.
- If the baby is a newborn, you could try swaddling her to see if that helps. Many newborns like the secure feeling of being wrapped up warm and snug. Experts say it reminds them of being in the womb.
- Parents usually know when their baby is teething. Hopefully if this is the case, the parents have left you with teething rings and other paraphernalia for teething babies.
- Sometimes when a baby won't stop crying it is simply because he is uncomfortable. Touch the back of the baby's neck to see if he is too hot or too cold. Then add or remove a layer of clothes accordingly.
- Try removing all of baby's clothes to see if perhaps her diaper is too tight or clothes may be digging into her or irritating her skin.
- If you are experienced with bathing babies, give him a warm soothing bath.
- A ride in the car or a ride in the stroller is calming to many babies. It may take a few minutes for a crying baby to quiet down and she may start to cry again whenever the car or stroller stops, but most babies settle down after a little while.
- Try a bottle even if it is not anywhere near feeding time. Most babies will not always be on an exact schedule for eating. If they ate a little more at their last feeding then they might not eat again for a while past their next scheduled feeding, and if they did not eat enough then they may be hungry sooner.
- Could baby be ill? Check the baby's temperature to see if it is above normal and call the parents or pediatrician if you are concerned.
If you find yourself getting really upset, frustrated, and angry because the baby won't stop crying and you have tried all the suggestions above, then try putting the baby in her crib where she is safe, and step out of the room for a few minutes. Take a few deep breaths and think about all the things you have tried to be sure you have not missed anything.
If you are the babysitter and have tried everything and feel like you are losing your patience, give the parents a call. They may be able to give you other suggestions over the phone if they know of something in particular that usually quiets their baby or makes him happy. If you are unable to soothe the crying baby, you may ask the parents to come home as a last resort. But, often times the baby will quiet down by the time the parents get back depending on how far away they are.
The most important thing you can do when the baby will not stop crying is to stay calm yourself and remind yourself that the baby will not cry forever
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